White Flag

5/16/25

“There will be no white flag above my door. I’m in love. And always will be.” Unlike Dido, I’ve chosen to surrender. Although, I ought to say, “I chose to surrender.” It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment that I made this surrender — and fully meant it — in the past year. But I do know this: I waved the white flag during the times that I felt the most powerless. I’d wave the white flag when I realized just how little control I had over a situation. The surrender was a handing over of whatever control I had left (or, at least, whatever control I’d convinced myself I had in the first place). So, in a way, I was surrendering the residual pieces of my ego, admitting that I had no clue what I was doing in the situation, admitting that “my way” wasn’t working. Side note: this act of surrender is always for myself. I’m not “surrendering” anything on behalf of other people. I’m not surrendering other people’s rights to due process, like my home country is considering doing as they suspend habeas corpus. I’ll admit, that proposal really f**king scares me. I don’t know what impact that’s going to have. I don’t know how much harm that’s going to cause. But I do know that it’s going to be a catalyst to change something. What exactly? I don’t know. I won’t pretend to be able to predict the future. When it comes to the ultimate effects, I surrender. (All that said, Lord knows, I would want my day in court to share the full story if I were ever charged with criminal activity.) I learned that there’s a classic phrase to describe the case where situations get catastrophically worse before they get sustainably better. Felix culpa: sin that was worth it. (Roughly translating, but that was my interpretation of it). Some don’t believe in it. Some think that it’s an excuse that creates very real moral hazard from the beginning. A justification for sinning in the moment because the sinner can always say that their sins will bring about positive change later. A spiritual manifestation of delayed gratification. But, the opposers of the concept of Felix culpa say that this mentality defeats the purpose of forgiveness. “If someone is consciously aware that what they’re doing is wrong, in the moment that they’re deciding to do it… and then they still decide to go through with it, then they’re abusing the goodwill of the Universe and other people.” The justification of the sinner might be that “I’ll learn an important lesson from this mistake” or that “positive change will come from this eventually”. In a way, the opposers of Felix culpa are shrugging off their responsibility to take corrective action from the beginning. They’re avoiding the hard decision, the one that says, “I know what I’m doing (or what’s happening around me) is wrong. And, today, right now, in this moment, I’m going to take action to change it.” Adherents to Felix culpa might be able to twist the principle to say, “I know what I’m doing is wrong. But something good will come of it in the future. Because some good always comes of even the worst of situations, if only I’m patient.” Yes, that’s true. But the “something good” always comes because, eventually, the sinner takes corrective action. Eventually, the suffering becomes so great — or rather, miserable — that the sinner begs for forgiveness. Admitting their mistake and vowing to change their ways. There’s a release. Eventually, the egoist surrenders. This is the version of Felix culpa that I believe in. This is the version of Felix culpa that I’ve experienced. The moments I’ve surrendered are the moments when I’ve felt the most powerless. I finally admit that I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I admit that the suffering or the uncertainty is too great. And I simply don’t know where to go from here. At these moments of powerlessness, I surrender. And in these moments when I surrender, I gain all of my power. I hand my Self over to the Universe. I trust in the truth of the situation: that I’m not in control and that I never was in the first place. But this realization isn’t entirely helpless. It’s true that I don’t have absolute control. I don’t even have “mostly control”. But I do have some control. I have the choice of how I’ll approach the situation. I have the choice of what I’ll do next. I have the choice of whether I’ll take action to face my situation. I have the choice of whether I’ll surrender my Self to a force that’s greater. I have the choice of whether I’ll perpetuate the cycle of my mistakes. Or whether I’ll surrender my ego, repent, and change my ways. I am not powerless in these moments of surrender. Instead, I become extremely powerful. Because I refocus all of my energy & attention on the extremely precise, exceptionally limited decisions that I can control. One of those decisions is whether to continue to do it my way or whether to fully surrender. Ego or force that’s greater? Pride or repentance? Ignorance or truth? Blindness or guidance? These are the decisions that I control. Will I choose to persist in trying to control things external? Or will I refocus only on the essential few? Will I live in denial of my mistakes? Or will I take the risk of asking for forgiveness? Am I waiting for Felix culpa to be something that happens to me? Or will I be the one to catalyze the good from a sh*t situation? Do I have the courage to surrender? I’ll put my own spin on the Dido lyrics: “There will be a white flag above my door. I’m not in control. And never will be. But I’m in love. And always will be.” I will choose love. And always aspire to. I will choose truth. And want to inspire others to choose truth too. But, ultimately, their decision of what to choose is out of my control. I can do my best to inspire them. But I surrender to their decision. I’ll stay focused on my intention. Meanwhile, they get the final say in what they’re solving for.

And now that it’s 4:24am, it’s time to gear up for a run. You’ve been wanting to join the Siargao Runners 5AM Club. Well, here you go. A rat scurrying on the roof woke you up. Then you started writing because these lyrics were on repeat in your head. And now it’s the perfect time to lace up and go run to the meetup. Ask & Receive. Full surrender. Go get some. Waking up early enough was out of your control, since you didn’t set an alarm before going to sleep. But, now that you’re up, lacing up and heading out the door is well within the scope of your power. Sieze it. And let your ego die in the process. Time to Go. Go get it.