Doing the Laundry

5/15/25

It seems so pointless. Doing the laundry week-after-week. Why won’t clothes just stay clean? I feel the same way when it comes to going to the gym. Why won’t my body just stay fit? Why do I have to do this daily or weekly maintenance? Why must I be subjected to this repetition? Repetition that feels so pointless… I wouldn’t consider the task of doing the laundry “enjoyable”. And yet, getting the laundry done does, ultimately, seem to contribute to my happiness… eventually. Happiness experts have deemed this type of activity “Type 2 Happiness”. An act today that promises happiness in the future. “A happiness investment”, as they say. But, what if my “Return on Happiness” isn’t as promised? What happens when, the moment I have a full slate of clean laundry, one of my shorts, once again, gets dirty? Then, the cycle just continues. Spin Cycle? Nope! Instead, it’s an Endless Cycle. Like Sisyphus pushing that damn rock uphill (not to be confused with “syphilis,” which a cycle of properly-administered antibiotics can put to an end, giving the syphilisian a clean bill of health, once again.) I have a full slate of clean laundry, but, unless I spend the rest of Clean Laundry Day naked, I don’t get to remain in this blissful existence of absolute cleanliness. The moment I get my clean laundry back, I’m returned to the less-than-perfect state of at least 1 item of laundry getting dirty. The result is something that feels quite helpless. I will be forever subjected to at least some of my clothes being dirty. So, in a sense, there will always be someopportunity to do laundry. There will always be some incremental way to correct my current state to bring me closer to that idealized state where no additional laundry need be done. But, the moment I do it, I must dirty another garment (again, unless I change my lifestyle altogether and become a nudist, which, honestly, is starting to become a more & more attractive proposition the deeper I dive into this laundry quandary…). So, what can I do? How does science suggest I solve my problem? For that answer, we turn to physics, specifically, Newton’s Third Law of Thermodynamics: “for every action, there is an equal & opposite reaction”. But, rather than propose a solution that adheres to this “Law”, I will set out to prove its opposite. I will show that Newton and his “Laws” are just a bunch of bollocks. Instead, I will introduce Oldiota’s One-Third Law of Coldstatics: “for every action, there is a disproportionate & directionally-consistent reaction.” Applied to the laundry situation, it works as such: “if I love the task of doing the laundry, then the laundry will love me in a stronger, even more profound way.” Newton’s Third Thermo would suggest that if I push back on the task of doing the laundry, then the laundry will support, with equal force, my completion of the chore. Clearly, this doesn’t make any sense! How has nobody thought to question this Newton man?!? If I hate the laundry with a force of 66 FFs (frowny faces), then N3LoT would suggest that the laundry will respond with 66 SFs (smiley faces). Now, my laundry room is filled with 66 FFs and 66 SFs. This suggests that the aura of the laundry room is in balance. “Everything is always in harmony”, Isaac might say. Is that not the biggest crock of sh*t?!? If I increase my rage rate to 166 frowny faces, then he would say that my laundry would respond in equal, opposite measure with 166 smiley faces. How?!? This makes zero sense! That’d be like suggesting that gut-wrenching, ego-destroying honesty would be met with condemnation, rather than forgiveness. This proposition has no basis in Reality. Thus, it’s time that we completely throw out Newton’s Third Law of Thermodynamics. It’s time to wake up and adopt the Oldiota’s One-Third Law of Coldstatics. Applied to the action of going to the gym, the principle works like this: “if I show up to my workout with 25 MSMs (Misery Stressy Metric), then the gym will contribute 75 MSMs to my present existence. Now, I will be swimming in an environment of 95 MSMs” (it is requested that future researchers double-check my math. After all, I’m an aspiring physicist, not a mathematician. The two practices are largely unrelated. Like philosophers & kings. Or statisticians & scientists). To display the antithesis, “if I show up to my workout with 37 PFMs (Positivity Flowy Metric), then the gym will inject 111 PFMs, a 3x contribution, for a total of 150 PFMs” (I’ve given up on the math and now I’m just rounding for the sake of simplicity). My relatively minor introduction of PFMs into a neutral environment — giving a fellow fitness fanatic a high-five, letting out a “Woooo” right before my next set, or dancing to the music that just came on over the loudspeaker — will not be pushed against with equal, opposite measure. Instead, it will be supported, in a disproportionately-greater and directionally-consistent manner. Experiments suggest that the practitioner might receive a high-five followed by an a** slap from fellow fitness fanatic, a “Let’s gooooo! You got this!!!” from subject’s next-door next-squat-rack-over neighbor, or the row of benches in front of the dumbbells to become an impromptu dance floor. I have discovered with rigorous study that the energy injected into a system does not generate an “equal & opposite effect”. Rather, it creates a “compounding & consistent effect”. I welcome criticism to this newly-discovered Law of Coldstatics. However, I expect said criticism to only come from pretenders who don’t really understand physics. These so-called “Newtonian Disciples” have been sucking this dude off for centuries without ever questioning the “Laws” that he passed down to them. It’s time we supplant this regime of blind, unquestioned ignorance. Let’s face it, Newton had no idea what he was doing. He got hit in the head with an apple and then went delusional. To use one final example, let’s consider swimming in the ocean. As I paddlestroke forward (action), then my body moves forward in the water (reaction). I don’t paddle forward only to move backward. I don’t stay still due to “equal & opposite forces”. How has nobody questioned this Newton guy’s conclusion? I understand that many people choose the tactic of “ignorance is bliss”. But, the repercussions of accepting N3LoTs is becoming catastrophic. The believer in this now-clearly-disproven principle is expecting the world around them to “turn their frown upside down”. By hating the laundry, practitioners expect the laundry room to greet them with an equal number of smileys. Followers of that lying Newton guy are convinced that if they show up to the gym enthusiastic & happy, then the environment of the gym will meet them with misery. If that conclusion were true, then they ought to take a perpetual Rest Day and avoid the gym altogether. Similarly, swimmers are afraid to paddle forward in the water because they’re afraid that they’ll stay in the same spot, forced to tread forever. My research demonstrates exactly the opposite. Seriously, did nobody watch the Olympics? Did anybody else watch in awe the beautiful flow of Phelps or Ledecky? They broke records by moving forward. Paddling led to forward motion. But the Newtonian Disciples probably missed this. They were probably too busy wiping Newton’s blasted-from-the-grave semen off their faces. So, for those who wish to prolong their misery, then I suggest they continue adhering to Newton’s 3rd Law Falsified Theory. Meanwhile, those who want to live out their existence in happiness, I suggest that they trust this about-to-be-internationally-acclaimed physicist. As a scientist, I’m not supposed to prescribe the public with solutions. As a scientist, I don’t mention my have ulterior motives. As a scientist, my only intention is to present the public with the facts. (However, as a physicist, I could use some help with the math. Because, again, math isn’t a prerequisite to become world-renowned in my field. So, admittedly, I could use some coaching from somebody who knows what they’re doing, because when it comes to these equations, I have no clue what I’m supposed to be solving for.)