Refill Day

5/14/25

Oh man. I am tired. I am sore. I am tense. Work no more. I’ve done some hard sh*t the past few days. Shooting videos that were hard to shoot. Admitting things publicly. Even if the Survivor app goes nowhere, the fact that I just submitted a video that could be used to convict me of a felony is kinda crazy. Ego loss. Full surrender. Trusting the Source. That’s what I was meant to say. That’s what I was meant to submit. But doing so doesn’t make it any less scary. I still have fears. I still have fears as I jump back & forth between my ego and my True Self. My ego is fearful. My ego believes I can be hurt. My ego believes my life is over if I go to prison. My ego believes that my ego is “me”. But it’s not. I’m not my ego. My ego is a mask. It’s a facade. It’s like being T Vibey. Half is real. Half is not. Which half? I don’t know. I mean, I might. But the viewer won’t. Nathan For You comes to mind. Utter confusion on the part of the recipient. “What the heck is this guy talking about? Is he serious? Could someone really be that stupid?” And yet, Nathan is probably extremely smart in-person. Director. Producer. Writer. Actor. He just knows how to turn on the bit when the camera starts rollin. I was bummed yesterday that I uploaded an edited video. I liked the full length audition tape. The 3:57 version. It wasn’t perfect but it was honest. I let it flow. Unedited. Full go. I didn’t like that I had to edit it down in order to submit it. Damn megabyte restrictions! It felt more fake to me. It felt like being on “reality TV”. It didn’t tell the full story. But maybe that’s my frustration with all of this. It’s extremely difficult to tell the whole story on social media (or in any media). I know that. The viewer knows that, deep-down at least. Social media doesn’t tell you that your accommodation on a tropical island paradise might come equipped with a rat scurrying on the roof. It doesn’t tell you that this rat might take sh*ts all over the outdoor kitchen. Or come flying out of the trash can when you go to fill up your water bottle before going to bed. Funny how social media (and the Airbnb listing) doesn’t mention that. But that is all a part of the experience. That’s part of the full story, even if it happens when the cameras aren’t rolling. If the cameras were always rolling, then who would spend their time watching? A never-ending live stream? What a waste of attention. I have the full video. I shot the full video. I know the full story. I know the unedited version. I have all of the raw footage stored in my memory. I don’t have to buy in to the perceptions that get created based on the edited, paired-down narratives that other people see. I can leave those be. People will always say something. People will always have an opinion. Let them. That’s the cost of being a Positive Influencer out in the open. People are gonna talk. But that’s none of my business. Those are their choices of what to see. That’s their perception that they get to paint. I don’t get to paint it for them. Staring at this blinking cursor. I don’t want to write anymore. But I’m gonna continue to in order to hit my 3 Morning Pages (but in the digital version). Honesty is the means to filling these pages up. Honesty is the way to keep creating content. Being with what’s here. Writing it. Releasing it. It’s extremely hard to fabricate the emotions when I’m not feeling them. When I’m tired, frustrated, uncertain, scared, then use that. Use that. “Make good art”, as Neil Gaiman would say. These emotions are a gift, not a burden. But channel them into creation. Nothing is wrong. Just use them. When I use them, when I work with them, I begin to see that I am not them. “I am experiencing anger”, rather than, “I am angry”. The emotions get their time in the spotlight, and then I’m able to release them. Similar to the characters that I embody. When I fully adopt them, then I get to love them and be with them. Then, when the time is right, I get to release them. I don’t feel a draw to be T Happy anymore. I was that guy for a time. But I’m not anymore. I don’t feel the draw to be T Sendy anymore. I was that guy. But I’m not anymore. I’m currently embodying T Vibey, but I can be aware that this one won’t last forever. I already have T ***** on the brain, ready to go for the next stage. But ultimately, there’s no wisdom in the future. I don’t have to become that role either. Maybe I don’t end up in the mountains this summer. Maybe I end up in the city. Maybe I end up in the country. Maybe I end up beside a river. Maybe I end up in a monastery. I don’t know. I won’t know. T Vibey was sitting in the back of my mind for months prior. But I never had to shoot him. That’s the point. I never had to from the beginning. When the time was right, I just let it flow. The opportunity presented itself and I took it. But I never had to. And that’s the point with all of this. I just made good art. I made good art at the moment that I was inspired to, but not a moment prior. I made good art because that was the thing to do. Up until then, I was just living. Being present. Doing my thing. Reading, writing, swimming, dancing, lifting, Muay Thai’ing. I feel like I’ve been parroting this activity list in such a way that it’s become an expectation set for me. The Idea Bucket has become a To-Do List. A calendar that’s no longer “penciled in.” So much that must be done in a day. No time or space to just flow freely. And that’s become frustrating to me. Unlayer it all. Unlayer all these expectations. Unlayer all these attachments. I’m a little sad that I started editing the Put the seat DOWN piece because I’m not sure that I’m ever going to publish it. I don’t have to. It wasn’t the initial intention from the beginning. It was just a middle-of-the-night Morning Pages exploration, sparked by a funny observation. A writing piece that made me smile at the absurdity. A writing piece that made me feel vindicated. Ranting on this helped me hand over my shame. Writing a letter to the whole norm-following population, asking why inflicting shame is the answer. Asking whether there might be other perspectives to consider. But I don’t know if it’s a piece that I want to share. I don’t know. It feels a bit like I’m trying to force it. I don’t want to make excuses just to avoid the work. But maybe I also just don’t want to work on it at the moment. Maybe I’ll never want to work on it. What if I just work on it when it’s easy to do so? What if I just work on it when it’s the Next, Most Natural Thing to do? When I’d do it without coffee or a cigarette? That’s usually a good sign that what I’m doing — or rather, avoiding doing — is NOT what’s natural for me. I’m looking for external substances to quell my performance anxiety. Because maybe today is just a rest day. Maybe today I just want to cook an omelette and watch TV. Maybe today I don’t want to go exploring. Maybe today I just want to do some resting. That’d be OK with me. It’d be completely OK if I decide that “Rest” is my answer to “What am I solving for today?” After all, I’m not in a rush on any of this stuff. I’m retired. I don’t need any of it. I am Whole regardless of whether I post another video. I am Whole regardless of whether I publish another writing piece. I am Whole whether I work out at all today. I can simply do what I want to. I have that freedom. I’ve earned that freedom. Over the past few weeks, I’ve given a lot away. So maybe today it’d be best to just refill my own cup. Maybe today is a Refill Day.

Disclaimers (That Social Media Won’t Tell You):

*This picture was edited. I repeat, this was NOT raw footage

**The Surgeon General does NOT recommend giving your puppy a cappuccino (and this picture was edited too)

***This picture was clipped from a video