I chose separation

I chose separation

Why did this experience feel so foreign? Where had I been?

I realized that I'd been living in a state of separation.

My default was to turn away from others, like walking by without saying "Hi". It'd become habitual to neglect opportunities to love. I had justifications for this neglect. I had my reasons for departing The Love Plane. I was traveling somewhere that promised something "more."

I'd gone to The Money Plane, The Time Plane, The Productivity Plane, The Approval Plane, The Appearance Plane, The Achievement Plane, The Fitness Plane, The Power Plane, so on & so forth...

I was constantly on the road. I was never returning home.

When I arrived at these other Planes of existence, I was choosing to service another master. I was electing to worship an illusory idol. And I'd been gone so long, I sorta just lost touch with my True Nature. I completely forgot what I was even after...

On these other Planes, loving took a backseat. My sole intention became pleasing the ruler of the domain, while neglecting my soul intention that was rooted on The Love Plane. I always had an excuse to do something other than love. It was only natural... except that it wasn't.

When I bought into the Money Plane, denaro became my dictator. For example, as Q4 was nearing a close, I became obsessed with getting my year-end bonus. As I did, I started to see my whole life through green-colored glasses, like one of those greedy cartoon characters with dollar signs for eyes. I was unable to see my life from any other angle. Everything became a financially-motivated, cost-benefit analysis. I chose weekend activities based on how much they cost, rather than the fulfillment they promised. I tied my self-worth to my salary. I even valued my family & friends with this calculus. "How much can this person contribute to my personal bottom-line?" was the question that I asked. In retrospect, I’m well aware of how misguided this was... I acquired a ticket to the Money Plane for the low, lost cost of my soul.

When I operated on the Productivity Plane, my life became a process. A process organized around maximizing my work product. Idleness was the enemy. I operated with an extremely strict routine:

• Get good sleep

• Workout

• Work

• Eat healthy

• Get to bed to get good sleep

• Wake up & repeat

Even my weekends would be optimized for efficiency. I designed what I did with an eye towards the following week. "Don't stay out too late. Don't have too much fun. You risk leveraging your productivity for next week. God forbid you start from behind on Monday morn." On the Productivity Plane, my value was anchored to how much I produced. Unfortunately, the anchor never seemed to reach the bottom. "Completion" was a forever-illusion. I became a cog in the machine of my life. No amount of GDP production would ever suffice. I was never "done."

When I rush to the Time Plane, the clock is my keeper. "The plan" reigns supreme, as I worship my calendar. "Early" equals worthy. To be late is a sin. I would hesitate to make any commitments, just to avoid being late again. Little Trent didn't want to bear the shame of tardiness. Inability to be on time equated to failure on The Time Plane.

I chose separation by neglecting opportunities for connection. In doing so, I left The Love Plane. In doing so, I dimmed my Light Being.

On the Time Plane, I'd stampede past other people to try to keep pace with the clock. Rushing, never arriving. Flustered, deep-down, I hoped & prayed that eventually the shot clock of this racing life would go off.

On the Productivity Plane, I'd refuse to rest. Even if a restorative "off day" would have been healthy for me, I refused to take it. I did everything to prevent "lazy" from becoming my identity. I'd find new projects to take on, uncovering novel ways to "use my time well." I wanted to produce more, more, more. Even while knowing that more isn't always better.

On the Money Plane, relationships became transactional. "Catching up" was served with a side order of ulterior motives. Colleagues became "resources." Friends only mattered if they could contribute to filling my future money mill. There was no love on The Money Plane. Greed was the guiding force. "Greed is good. In dollars, we trust."

—> I felt stuck