Jackpot!

Auntie Liz:

“Did you guys see what it’s at today?!? $2 Billion! That’s $2 Billion in today’s money!!!”

Grampy Bandor:

“Are yuo swriuos?!!!?? Do you knew how mich tgat would be worth When i was a kid?? About $$14. And that’s when ice cresm cones was only a nickel!!!!!”

Stanford (making the rookie mistake of indulging Grampy Bandor’s semi-incoherent, certainly-inaccurate, but always-enthusiastic observations):

“No way! If ice cream cones were only a nickel, then how much was an iPhone? I bet I could get a new one whenever I wanted, with only my allowance!”

Jack (to the 7th grade teacher):

“Doesn’t this all feel a bit strange to you? It’s so quiet out there.”

Diane (layering on her words of affirmation in order to validate her husband, along with his fragile ego):

“Yeah, it’s after school time and I felt like I had to whisper.”

Mrs. Oaker (the 7th grade teacher):

“Are you kidding me? I love it! Stanford must be your first because you don’t know how great you’ve got it. With a middle schooler, no less. I’ve been in this role for 25 years. I retire in 2. I couldn’t be happier with the current state of affairs. Back when I first started, the kids would be playing and roughhousing non-stop. Always decking the halls. Throwing balls. Laughing. Singing. It was misery for me. Even during class time, I couldn’t get them to shut up! But now, now, I don’t even have to try anymore. It’s like their phones are a pacifier. If they’ve got one in their hands, then they’re happy. Then they can message their friends or play their games or whatever. You hear some parents screaming about ‘socialization concerns’ if everyone’s on their phones, but clearly they’ve never stepped foot in a middle school before. The kid without the phone is the loser. Because the kid without the phone has nobody to talk to. Everyone here is ‘socializing’ virtually. There’s no interaction happening IRL (as the kids might say). The most I’ve ever see them interact IRL is to tap their friend on the shoulder to signal, ‘Hey, look at this video.’ But they don’t even speak words in that interaction. And even then, this sort of interaction is a rarity. Because even if they’re standing right next to each other, they’ll probably just stealthily DM that video to each other. It’s a cardinal sin to mess up a friend’s scrolling flow.

Diane:

“DM?”

Mrs. Oaker:

Direct Message. Yikes! Where have you been? Anyways, I tried to stop it in the beginning. A strict ‘No phones in the classroom’ policy. But I came to realize that this was like taking a pacifier from a baby. A baby who’d been conditioned by their parents to have a pacifier in their mouth at all moments of the day. So, if ever I took a rule-breaker’s phone, then it would become a temper tornado. Kicking & screaming is how it began. But eventually, insults & death threats became the norm. I even had one kid tell me: ‘I will gut you, you f**king b*tch! Give me back my phone or I will hunt you down and slit your throat while you sleep. I know where you live.’

Diane:

“Jesus.”

Mrs. Oaker:

“Yeah. That was it for me. I’m a schoolteacher, not a Marine. Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful for the soldiers’ service, but I certainly didn’t sign up to put my life on the line each day. I mean, I signed up for this gig when school shootings were still a rarity. Now, given the track record, these kids’ threats feel legitimate. So, I’m not too interested in pushing it. Anyways, I’ve realized that the major parenting decisions are being made at home. And enough of the parents are using these devices to distract their kids, so that they can actually survive a dinner out at a restaurant. No judgment! I get it. But, for the malleable lil noggins of their youngins, this early & often exposure has only served to fuel their addictions. The kids never stood a chance. They got hooked to these dopamine dispensers from the very beginning. They’ve never experienced another Reality. So, is it any surprise that, by the time I get them, these children — CHILDREN! —  are willing to issue death threats like strung-out junkies? They’ve learned to find meaning, friendship, & joy in these smart bricks, so is it any wonder that they perceive me as the devil who’s standing in the way of their connection, sanity, & happiness? At the very least, I’m the narc who’s preventing them from enjoying the drip of their fix.

Jack:

“So my son will be a loser if he doesn’t have one of these?”

Diane:

“Jack?!? We’re not giving him one! We already decided that. We don’t want him to become a junkie! We’re standing on principle. The principle that we agreed to when we first got married!”

Jack:

“Well, how about the principle of our son not being a loser?!? I don’t want our son to have no friends. What do you think Mrs. Oaker?”

Mrs. Oaker:

“I don’t care. I retire in 2 years. The moment I do, I’m getting the hell outta here. I’ll live out my days on some beach somewhere. I’m not sticking around to see what happens when the lil addicts start to run the show.”

Jack:

“You paint a rosy picture.”

Mrs. Oaker:

“You try walking into the classroom scared everyday. You try teaching math to a group of kids who won’t even look up at you. They’re not interested in what I have to say. They don’t give a damn about ‘learning’ or ‘the curriculum.’ Unless, of course, it comes in the form of a swipe-able, short form video. But, in order to get my pension, I need 2 more years of a 70% graduation rate. So yeah, I’ve chosen to look the other way when one of my 7th graders tells me that ‘2 + 2 = 8’. I’m just trying to survive for 2 more years. So, I’m grateful for these mind-draining, or rather, mind-filling pacifiers.”

Jack:

“Here, Stanford! A new phone just for you. Now you can text all of your friends!”

Stanford:

“Thanks, Dad!”

Auntie Martha:

“I don’t mean to distract from the lottery talk, but would anybody like to go to the movies with me? I’m thinking about seeing that new McConaughey flick. The one where he finds himself in extremely dramatic situations but maintains his charm, sense of humor, and perspective.”

Grampy Bandor:

“Ther was a Fine yiung broad who i use to take to the cinema.. I mean she was jist delihhtful! Elegant. Deecadent. And that’s whrn you ciuld go to the cunema for only 50 cents!!!!”

Stanford:

“No way! If the cinema was only 2 quarters, then an iPhone must’ve only been like 10 bucks! I’d be able to afford one with only my allowance!

Grampy Bandor:

“Well stan, we didn’t hsve thise new phones bsck then.”

Stanford (not registering what his Grampy B was saying before replying with his next text):

Maybe if I grew up back then, then maybe I could afford an iPhone. Then, if I had my iPhone, then maybe I could also have my first friend.”

**Crickets**