Presto Magic

Part 6

After all of this and upon reflection, I’m still not convinced that this is the reason the compliance department got so unnecessarily angry with me. For that reason, we’ll have to turn to Financial Insecurity. This is the piece that I wrote in the hours after coming forward about my expense reports. It was never intended to be published. It was never intended to be for anybody’s eyes but my own. I wrote it because I was distraught. I wanted to understand what had happened. How was it possible that I’d be willing to risk this incredibly lucrative career that I’d worked my whole life for over $13K over 4 years? It was an attempt to answer: “How the f**k did I get here?” I wrote it for myself. But then, when I showed up to the office the day after coming forward to the single individual, I was confronted by one of my managers, who’d seemingly been made aware of my confession. They asked me what had happened. It didn’t make sense to them. “Are we not paying you enough?” It was a fair question. As I fumbled with my words, as I tried to pull out an explanation, I got frustrated with my inability to explain the whole story. So, I offered to send them a piece I wrote the night before. I offered to send them “Financial Insecurity.” They said, “Sure. I’d be interested to read that. Go ahead and send it over.” And that was the end of our conversation. Now, at this point, I wasn’t sure how many people knew about the expenses situation. The head of the compliance department also reached out asking for a call. I offered to come to their office ASAP, but didn’t get a reply until hours later when they eventually gave me a callback over video. (They were working from home so we didn’t get a chance to meet with them face-to-face in-person). They informed me, among other things, that I could be charged with a felony, that this has happened before, but it didn’t bode well for the other transgressor, and that my managers were aware of the situation but that I should continue working business-as-usual. Now, admittedly, I should have asked a follow-up question on many of these comments. “First, were you saying that the firm planned to charge me with a felony or were you just saying that matter-of-factually? Was this intended to be a threat or simply a statement of fact? Either way, I’ll admit that it jolted me a bit. As much as I hate to admit it, it did make me a bit defensive. The worst case scenario that I’d planned for did not include any time behind bars. Second, it was my understanding that the situation with the other individual was one in which that person was caught submitting fraudulent expenses. Would my situation be different since I came forward and self-reported? Would my situation be different since I’ve been ready to pay restitution since yesterday, I’m just awaiting for you to agree on the amount and provide me with the wire instructions? Or will the Standard Operating Procedures be the same in both cases? Third, it’s good to know that my managers are aware and that I should continue working business-as-usual. However, are there any other people across the firm who have also been made aware of the situation? Actually, when you say, “managers”, who do you mean? Because that could cover a lot of different people in the company. Technically, I report to the whole partnership. Are any of them aware? Clearly, at least 1 person — you — are aware in the compliance department. Are there any others in your department because you mentioned running an investigation, but I don’t imagine you’ll be the one conducting it? So, precisely how many people did this information reach? Because, up until this point, I’d only informed 1 person, but now, I’ve had 2 conversations with people who became aware without my knowing. Finally, what does it look like to return to business-as-usual in this situation? I have a business trip that I’m supposed to be scheduling a couple weeks out. Should I go ahead with planning that? If I do, should I purchase a flight that’s refundable? Should I put that expense on my corporate card or, given the circumstances, would that be a big no-no? Should I reserve a hotel room for that trip too? Or, by that time, should I have my bags packed for prison instead?” These are the questions that I wished I’d asked them. It might’ve helped quell my Anxiety. Or, at the very least, it would have served to validate these fears. Either way, I wish I would have had a little more clarity on my situation’s Standard Operating Procedures. I understand why they didn’t have time to field my questions though. They had to jump. Busy evening. Lots of responsibilities. They promised that they’d make time to discuss the nuances of my situation in the coming days though. And they promised that they’d look me in the eye every step of the way. It’s no matter that this was the last opportunity that I had to stare into the eyes of this compliance department individual (although, even in this instance, it was over Teams video). I’m sure they’ve had their reasons for denying my numerous requests to meet 1-on-1 in-person since then. Maybe they thought that keeping distance from me was the best way to protect the firm? Maybe they thought that avoiding me was the best way to protect themselves? Maybe they realized that they might have overreacted to a situation that never needed to be a big deal in the first place? Maybe they realized that the $13K was overly punitive from the beginning and that a lot of the expenses in question would have been completely OK if judged by the standard with which they submit their own expense reports? Maybe they couldn’t look me in the eye and continue to call me “a liar, a criminal, and a thief” when they knew that they might have done something similar over the course of their tenure? Or maybe they just didn’t like me? I don’t know why I never got the opportunity to meet them face-to-face in-person again. But, whatever it is, I’m sure they have their reasons. I will say, I do know this, I sensed a very tangible mood shift once I sent “Financial Insecurity” to some of my closest confidants in the company. I only sent it to people who I trusted. I only sent it to people who I believed I had a personal, trusting relationship with. I wanted to make them aware of the situation that was happening. Once I learned that there was a possibility that I wouldn’t only be fired, but that I might be going to prison as well, I wanted these people to hear it from me, if they hadn’t already heard it from the rumor mill that appeared to be spinning with an increasing velocity. At first, I only sent it to the “managers” of the firm with whom I had a close relationship, including the manager of mine who had expressly requested it. Come to find out, all of these managers had NOT been made aware yet. So, I imagine the compliance department started to get some concerned and confused Requests for Information. I guess this was the trouble when the rumor mill started spinning. It became hard to know where the information had traveled already. The stakes felt even higher when the information was about myself. Do I tell the people closest to me or do I leave them in the dark and trust that they’ll learn the truth eventually? The dilemma felt impossible at first. But the moment I reflected on what I was solving for, the answer became obvious. I knew that no amount of consequences could dissuade me from sharing the truth with my closest relationships. So, I sent “Financial Insecurity” to my confidants, who I had reason to believe likely knew already (or who would be made aware eventually). I didn’t want to leave them in the dark. I wanted them to hear it from me. And I wanted to be the first to apologize to them for breaking the trust that they instilled in me. I wanted them to know that I was deeply, deeply sorry. This was my intention in sharing this very personal, not-intended-to-be-published reflection piece. I never wanted to make this situation a big thing. My dream scenario was that it would stay between me and one other person. But, once the information got released beyond its intended recipient, I knew I was no longer in control of the situation. The information would eventually be out in the open. Because other people were not operating with the same SOPs as me. These leaders didn’t bother asking for my consent before discussing my personal information with their partners and superiors. They didn’t care as much about protecting my information as I did theirs. But that’s OK. I didn’t blame them. They were going to have their reasons for doing what they did. And that was their decision. What I could control was staying aligned on what I was solving for. So, I re-centered on my intention to be All-in on honesty. I asked myself what an honest person would do. So then, I simply shared the truth. By the time I shared “Financial Insecurity”, I wasn’t solving for keeping it quiet anymore. I wasn’t solving for preservation of my reputation either. I especially wasn’t solving for money, but, let’s be honest, coming forward would have mucked up that whole optimization equation from the beginning. I was simply solving for honesty. I wanted to be honest about a mistake — many mistakes — that I’d made. And I wanted to face whatever consequences came my way. But now that the information was out in the open and seemed to be spreading well beyond my control, I wanted to share my side of the story. I wanted to share why I came forward in the first place. I wanted to provide my best attempt at explaining what happened and why it did. I wanted these confidants to know that this was a personal mistake and said nothing of my feelings towards them. I entered the situation with the intention of minimizing the collateral damage inflicted upon any other individuals and the firm as a whole. Although I became vocal about this situation eventually, that was not my intention from the beginning. Like I said, dream scenario would have been that this stayed as a 1-on-1 conversation. Own up to my mistake. Pay my restitution. And move forward. Unfortunately, adherence to the Standard Operating Procedures served to get in the way. And I was, once again, exposed for my naïveté. That said, I’m not upset about how this situation went down. I know that every actor in this story had their reasons for doing what they did. Each person was referencing a real-time decision-making framework that answers the question, “What are you solving for? Is it job security? Firm longevity? Or money? Is it returns that outperform the S&P500? Is it the trust of close relationships? Or is it honesty?” Nobody can make this decision for us. Even if we choose to follow the Standard Operating Procedure, then we’re still solving for conformity. We’re all making this decision, all the time, every day. What are you solving for? Choose consciously.